Every step you take
by stilljustme
Summary: ...through darkness and pain, will bring you closer to who you're meant to be. Will bring you closer to the one person who completes you, who makes you better than you thought you could be. Jamie had always believed that - and it had come true. He was a cop, a husband, would soon be a father. Fluff&Angst, you've been warned.
1. Chapter 1

**This story has been haunting me for… forever, actually, but I never really knew how to start it.  
>- Huge thanks to <strong>Annic **who let me use her technique of starting in medias res from her And Sapphire EJ's story "Not just another dream".  
>I hope you like this story it but if you don't, just tell me. Thaaaanks :)<strong>

****With every step his feet became heavier. Eventually he couldn't walk anymore.  
>No word.<br>Jamie let himself slump down at the wall and closed his eyes. How much time had passed?  
>No word of his wife… he had sworn to protect her with his life, and now she was hid behind a hospital door, and he was trapped in the corridor, unable to help her. Unable to do anything but wait.<p>

Lately it seemed as if he couldn't help anybody. Every night shift filled with dead junkies showed him how powerless he was. He wanted to help, but how was he supposed to that if people didn't trust him? And they didn't, or at least they didn't trust the uniform.  
>He had tried to keep those dark thoughts away from his family, this was what he had always dreamt of, wasn't it? He loved his job. He loved his life.<br>And now the woman he loved more than his life was lying on a metal bed, alone and weak, and he was out here alone and didn't know if he would ever see her again.

"Jamie!" Danny's voice was filled with panic as he ran towards his brother. The short text message Jamie had sent him – obviously unable to speak – had made him fear for the worst.  
>Quickly, Jamie pushed himself up. "Hey." His voice cracked. As he swallowed he felt a lump in his throat. "Thanks for coming."<br>"Of course, kid." Danny grabbed his shoulders, feeling his little brother shiver under his hands. "What happened? What's with the baby?"  
>"The medics in the bus said he's okay…" He broke off as Danny smiled.<br>"It's a boy? Nicki won't like that." He hoped to see the glimmer of a smile on Jamie's face, but all he saw was fear, and the pain of being utterly helpless.  
>"How about Beth?"<br>"She's not waken up." Jamie started squirming in Danny's grip, "she collapsed after I came home and wouldn't wake up anymore. They gave her something on the way but I don't think she ever regained consciousness. She opened her eyes but… she didn't recognize me."  
>Danny's grip tightened, partly as a reaction to what he had just heard, partly to prevent Jamie from pacing the floor again.<br>"I can't" Jamie whispered. "I can't, Danny."  
>"You can't what?"<br>"I can't… be here and do nothing while… please…" The tears finally started falling. "Danny, please, I can't lose them."  
>"You won't!" He pulled his little brother in a bear hug, praying for his words to be right. If anything happened to Beth or her unborn son… the family would be devastated. Again.<br>Jamie… for a short moment Danny couldn't avoid the question how he would feel if Linda died.

Jamie wouldn't survive it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Two years before**

"Shop robbery, Broadway 38."  
>Renzulli nodded. "That's ours."<br>"Broadway 38, patrol 12, copy." Jamie frowned. "Who's robbing something now? It's half past five, there's a hundred people around."  
>"Depends on the sort of the shop and its location" Renzulli hit the gas, "if it's close enough to the underground… and 38 is… if he's quiet and quick… let's just hope the shopkeeper didn't try to be a hero."<br>Jamie nodded. Every summer brought a rise of robberies – due to heat and holidays and too many reasons for the police to prevent it. Normally, the offenders were mainly after the money, but lately there had also been an increase in victim numbers. The economy crisis made people fear for their jobs – and ready to fight for them, even against armed criminals.

"You're alright, Harvard?"  
>"Sure." Jamie forced his mind away from the last corpse he had seen – stumbled upon, better. He had been twenty-one, a student working third shift in a small diner. He had only wanted to pay his debts off.<br>"Hey" Renzulli shifted awkwardly, "I know I'm not Janko, but…"  
>"Sarge… please. It's okay." Which it absolutely wasn't, and both of them knew it. Eddie's cancellation had not been the same surprise to him as it had to the captain, but still… she had been his responsibility. It was his job to protect her, to prepare her for the life awaiting her. True enough, Eddie had always had a mind of her own, and a strong will, and she had surely weighed every alternative before even talking to him. There was not much he could have done, Eddie's belief in the police and in herself was too shaken to go on. Not yet broken, however, and Jamie was thankful for that. She would heal, she was perfectly able to take care of herself and she would get over it. She was strong, and beautiful, and, most important, alive.<p>

Still Jamie had lost another partner.

"See? That's what I meant." Renzulli sighed. "A hairdresser. Nobody's here at rush hour, they're either here at noon or after dinner. Not now."  
>"You seem pretty informed about hairdressing times?" Jamie tried to banter, but the sarge's smile was more than tired.<p>

The front window was shattered in a million pieces, hair, clamps and bottles lay scattered on the floor, dimes and pennies amongst them. No interest in tips – the robbers if there had been more had only looked for the actual cash.  
>"Hello! Police!" Renzulli opened the door, hanging loosely in the hinges. "Anyone here?" Everything was quiet. "Call for the detectives, and maybe a coroner. Police! Anybody here?"<br>"Yes. Yes, sorry." Jamie exhaled in relief, only now realizing he had been holding his breath. The girl coming up to them was pale except for a long bloody cut on her forehead, and her eyes were dangerously red, but she didn't seem seriously hurt. "Thanks for coming. I think they went… to the left." She bit her lips angrily. "To the underground. Meaning there's no chance to find them, is it? I didn't mean to offend" she quickly added, "I just… I'm afraid I know nothing to help identify them and…"  
>"Well, at least you're alive" Renzulli interrupted gruffly, "and you know it's been more than one. Is there anybody else with you?"<br>"Uhm, no." She bit her lip again, obviously taken aback. "Sorry. I… no, I'm alone. There's never much customary around between four and six, so it's enough if we… there was nobody. Except for me and then those three guys with guns and masks." She wrapped her arms around herself, and only now Jamie saw the bruises on her left arm. Renulli frowned. "Did you fight them?"  
>"I tried to at first but then…" she looked down in what seemed shame. "Then one of them put a gun to my cheek. I don't even know if it was real, but… I couldn't move anymore."<br>Jamie smiled encouragingly. "Better than taking the risk."  
>The girl bristled. "Yeah, of course. Running without checking the oven, that's great."<br>Renzulli and Jamie exchanged a look. "Pardon me, miss?"

"Beth!" The lopsided door clashed to the ground as an athletic man stormed into the little barber shop, ignoring the two cops as he pulled the girl into a hug. "Are you alright?"  
>"I… yes…" she moved out of the embrace. The paleness was replaced by an embarrassed blush. "Why are you here?"<br>"I heard it over Walker's radio. Hey" he grabbed her arm gently, let go as she winced and examined it closely before he moved his fingers carefully along the cut on her forehead. "I'll get you to the hospital."  
>"No, you won't!"<br>"I'm really sorry to interrupt this date, detective" Renzulli barked, "but we are…"  
>The man turned around and looked the officers down, not without a hint of arrogance. "I'm not a detective, actually. But it's good to know they're on their way. Thank you." If his smile should have been genuine, it didn't look like it.<br>Renzulli frowned. "I thought you said something about Walker's radio!"  
>"I did" the other wrapped his arm protectively around the woman's waist, "I was at Molly's with him when the call came. I'm with the fire department and off duty if you need to know, now can I please bring my sister to the hospital?"<p>

A firefighter. Jamie felt Renzulli stiffen and couldn't help but straighten up, too. Those guys really had it for making themselves unpopular, and telling a cop how to work on a crime scene without any spark around was dropping a particular heavy brick.  
>"No" the sergeant answered promptly, and Jamie saw he was enjoying the frustration on the fireman's face, "you can go home or drive ahead to St. Simons where the paramedics will bring our sister once she answered our detectives' questions. If you're okay with that, miss?"<p>

She straightened up. "Of course." Her brother sighed and she turned around to him, her eyes blazing. He held her glance easily, the arrogance molten away by concern and love. Eventually he nodded. "I'll be waiting."  
>"I'm fine."<br>He looked at Renzulli, then at Jamie. "When will your detectives be here?"  
>"Soon enough." The sergeant didn't even blink. For a second it seemed as if the firefighter would start to fight again, then he only shook his head and, with a last look at his sister, left.<p>

"Great" Renzulli grinned smugly, "so, miss…"  
>"Conway."<br>The sergeant frowned. "Scottish?"  
>"Irish" both Jamie and Beth answered, causing her to smile shyly. "But actually my great-grandparents were born here."<br>"Have you ever been to Ireland?" Jamie asked, and she raised her eyebrows. "Is that part of the questioning?"  
>"No" Renzulli answered for him, "that's part of gaining time. You called for backup, Reagan?"<br>"I did." Jamie shrugged. "Should be here any moment." If they hadn't been held up by something. Or someone… like three guys with guns on the run southwards. What if they hadn't taken the metro? What if they were trying to shoot their way out?  
>Jamie tried to shake the thought – this was very unlikely, after all – but the fear of Beth's brother was still palpable. Summer was a dangerous time, and this was one of the hottest and so far proved one of the most dangerous he had ever seen.<p>

**Today**

"Jamie! Danny, what's wrong?" Erin, Nicki and their father appeared in the corridor. Danny let go of Jamie but stayed close, in case he should need him.  
>Nicki bit her lips not to cry as she saw her uncle's face, and Erin wrapped her arms around her daughter protectively.<p>

Just as Beth was trying to protect their child. And he hadn't even noticed something was wrong. He had been too deep in his own problems to realize she was unwell. He had promised to take care of her, and he had failed.  
>What if he had to decide? Beth or Thomas? He loved his son already, had loved him from the moment he knew the baby existed. If it was only his life to give, he would have agreed at once, just as he would do for his siblings, his father.<br>For Beth.  
>She had so much more faith in him than he did, while all the way she was so much braver. He couldn't raise a child without her.<p>

"Jamie." Frank looked into his son's eyes. Without a word uttered, Jamie knew what he meant: He couldn't break down now. He needed to be strong. Beth would need him to be strong when she woke up.  
>If.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

The door opened, and a small, wrinkled man came out. "Jamison Reagan?"  
>"Yes." He took a step towards the doctor. He needed to be strong.<br>"Your wife asks for you."

A collective sigh of relief was heard. For the first time in hours, breathing felt easy.  
>"Is she okay?" Jamie's voice was still weaker than he liked to.<br>The wrinkles seemed to get deeper. Obviously, the man was doing this job for too long – Frank felt the same every once in a while.  
>"I'll talk to the two of you in a moment."<p>

Beth was lying on her right side, her upper body propped up by pillows, needles and tubes going out of her arm. Jamie took a second to take the sight in, knowing he must not seem uncomfortable with the medical instruments or she would send him away.  
>"Hey, baby." He sat down on the bed next to his wife and kissed her, gently stroking her arm. "How are you?"<br>"I thought we stopped at how was your night?" Beth asked in the same moment, sounding a little tired but perfectly like herself, perfectly recognizing her husband. Involuntarily, Jamie laughed. "Bad", he admitted, "but not half as bad as seeing you breaking down."  
>"I'm sorry for that… but they said Thomas is alright." Her hand moved to her swollen belly, caressing the unborn life inside. "Thank God. I don't know what…"<br>"Don't." Jamie put his hand over Beth's. "Don't start thinking it, it's going to drive you crazy. And he's alright. It's alright."  
>She nodded slowly, squeezing his hand. "Thank you."<br>"Always." Feeling that he was strong enough made Jamie smile again. He could protect her – not from everything as he wished to, maybe, but at least this time.

"A bar of chocolate for your thoughts."  
>The smile died on Jamie's lips as the door behind him opened and the doctor came in.<br>_Be strong. _Jamie squeezed Beth's hand. "I thought about how much I love you."  
>She frowned, then nodded, accepting the challenge the appearance of the doctor meant for her world. Her head went a little higher, her shoulders moved backwards, and there it finally was again the spark of fire in her eyes.<br>This was how he had first seen her, how he had fallen in love with her.

"I love you too." Wherever she took her strength from, she sounded much better now. Sometimes Jamie flattered himself with the thought that he was her source of power, as she and his family used to be his, but he wasn't sure.  
>"Doc" Beth's voice was calm, "what's wrong with me?"<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I know this story is quite different from my other stories, and despite the fact that I still love writing it, I don't know if it's any good at all. Thank you to all reviewers – it really means a lot to me that you like it so far, but if all of this gets too boring and you stop reading, it's okay. **

**Two years prior**

"Well…" Jamie looked around the destroyed shop, "it seems to have been a nice place before…" He broke off in embarrassment.  
>Beth shrugged. "It was… and will be again, hopefully. This is a family enterprise since 1934." She followed Jamie's glance and her face turned grim. "This wasn't the first robbery and it won't be the last… I guess?"<br>Renzulli raised his eyebrows. "And what, you're waiting for the next so you can fight against three men with guns and get killed? Do you think that's gonna help anybody? Like, for example, your brother?"

Beth closed her eyes. "I'm sorry."  
>"For what?" The sergeant stepped closer to the distraught girl, his tone softened again. "Being alive? You were lucky today, and we were, too, cause I can tell you it's not fun coming to a place in order to help and then your only job is waiting for the examiner to identify the corpses." Grumbling, he walked out of the shattered room.<br>Jamie swallowed awkwardly. "I'm sorry for my partner, miss, he's just…"  
>"Right?" Beth opened her eyes again and tiredly leant against the counter. "I'm… I know you see a lot worse than this, and I know I should be lucky, I mean, I am, it's just…" She shook her head. "Never mind. Thanks for… coming that quick."<br>"We're not really helpful right now, are we?" Jamie offered, taking a few steps towards the young woman just as Renzulli had done. "I don't know where the detectives are, they should be… maybe they…"  
>"Have something better to do?"<br>"No. No, they're on their way. There is nothing more important than the person needing you right now." He put his hand over Beth's gently. "You did the right thing. You're alive. I understand you feel guilty right now, but there is nothing you could have done differently."  
>"Says the guy who spends his life bringing himself in danger" she commented bittersweetly, "but thanks. I just wish I could be a little bit braver. You should think it lies in our family."<br>"Because of your brother?"  
>"And my father, and my uncle and my grandfather and my mother's father… yeah."<br>Jamie nodded. "I see." Beth's glance drifted down and into the emptiness.  
>"And no cops?" He smiled as she looked up again and softly smiled back. "No."<br>"Well…" a firefighter girl to the core, and still she was acknowledging a cop's putting himself in line. "You chose your own way. What's wrong with that?"  
>Beth laughed. "Of course, cause hair stylist is every little girl's dream. Right after a pony and a prince." She sighed. "What about you? Many cops in your family?"<br>"My father, my grandfather, my brother Danny and… my brother Joe was, too."  
>Her hand found his now and squeezed it gently. "I'm sorry."<br>"It's okay, I guess… it has to, after all. It's been almost six years now."  
>"Doesn't mean a thing" Beth murmured, "Andy and I lost our oldest brother fifteen years ago and it still hurts like crazy whenever I… well" she exhaled shivering, shifting her weight against the counter. "Bad topic, I guess. Sorry – again and for everything else stupid I might say." She closed her eyes, and Jamie, fearing she would collapse, reached for her arms. "Beth!"<br>"I'm okay." He felt her tense in his arms but didn't let go yet. "You don't look like it."  
>"Charming" she opened her eyes again, and the fire in them belied her trembling body.<p>

It was strangely dark, not so bright that it would blind him, but warm and strong and it seemed to blaze over the girl's entire face, lightening up every inch of her skin in a soft glow. A small patch of scars, burn marks, sat around her left eye, only visible now that he was closer to her, a reminder of how dangerous in all its beauty fire always was.

Jamie couldn't say after how many seconds, minutes or hours he realized that he was staring like a teenager at a crime victim. He backed away quickly, his hands however still resting on Beth's arms, though he would rather not explain why. She didn't seem to mind it anymore, though, and as he after a moment of embarrassment dared to look at her again, he found her smiling. "Sure I don't look okay?"  
>Jamie dropped his eyes again. "I… well, I never said you weren't beautiful. I just said…"<p>

Detective Ryan saved him too late to keep professional, he had to admit afterwards. What he had said might go on as bantering or even just plain politeness, but he mustn't have looked at her like that. Beautiful and wild and proud as she undoubtedly was, first of all she was a citizen needing a cop. Not another knight in macho-armor as her brother seemed to be.


	5. Chapter 5

**Now**

"Well" the elder man sighed, "I'm afraid there's a lot wrong, and it's been for a while. Did you have your regular examinations?"  
>"Of course I have! Was here four days ago last time and they told me my baby's alright! What…"<br>Jamie squeezed her hand gently, and Beth broke off, avoiding both men's understanding eyes.  
>He felt her pulse racing in her fingers as he held them, but even without that he knew that she was scared inside, rather desperate then angry, really, and probably just looking for any mistakes she had made. He never had understood how a woman as stubborn as her could give in to accusations – even if they weren't meant as such – so quickly.<br>For a few moments, nobody said a word. Then Beth looked up again. "So what is wrong? And what can we do against it?"  
>"Wrong is that you're septic, Mrs. Reagan. From what we diagnosed the infection must started three to five weeks ago."<br>Beth shook her head. "I didn't do anything." The anger was gone completely, leaving her voice weak again.  
>Jamie's hand around his wife's went numb. Somewhere in his brain, he could still hear his father urging him to be strong, but the bigger part of him was barely containing himself anymore.<br>Sepsis. Who cared how it had happened, or when? She would die.  
>Before he could stop himself, the thought echoed around in his mind, flaming and cruel, <em>she would die. They would both die, Beth and Thomas as well – <em>twenty-five weeks were hardly enough to survive if they tried to get him now, and how should he go unaffected by his mother's poisoned blood?  
>He would lose them.<br>"Alright." As if to compensate his moment of panic, Beth' grip on his hand tightened. They had spent hours like that, too sad or happy to speak, just holding hands. It had become a way to communicate, faster and clearer than words.  
>"What will you do now? When I woke up they told me our baby is fine, was that before or after my diagnosis? Did you check his blood, too?"<br>"That's not so easy, I'm afraid, but we would have seen it if the infection had reached him. It is very unlikely, though, that this will happen. You share a lot with your child as long as it's not born, but he already has a blood circuit of his own. Right now it is not the baby we are worried about."  
>Beth swallowed. "What about me?"<br>"Mrs. Reagan, you know your immune system is weaker than the average. So far the infection has not reached your heart, but if we don't treat you soon, and aggressively, it will. And then another angina pectoris is the best you can wish for, but it highly probably will be worse. Already you can't get enough healthy blood through your body, this is why you collapsed. If the sepsis reaches the heart, you are dead. It is only a matter of time."

As Jamie felt his wife stiffen in his arms, trying to keep the tears from falling, the ice inside him broke. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close so one hand rested on her belly while the other was still entwined with her slim fingers. "It's okay", he whispered into her ear, "you're going to be okay, you'll see… when can you start with the treatment? What…" he broke off as Beth gently shook her head and stroked his arm. "He can't."  
>"He can, and he will." Jamie's voice hardened, but the doctor didn't seem to feel threatened at all. "I can, Mrs. Reagan – Mr. Reagan – and I will. Gladly. But as I said, the therapy will have to be very aggressive to your body. And to your child."<p>

No. Another ton of rocks dropped down onto Jamie, burying his heart and deafening his brain, making thinking and breathing harder again. Why? Why his son? He had learnt that life wasn't fair, and he had accepted that – but Thomas wasn't even alive yet. He couldn't suffer under this world, not yet.  
>Every night in his prayers for twenty weeks – when Beth had shown him the pregnancy test, beaming with joy – he had promised to God he would do everything to protect his child. He hadn't known how much he wanted children of his own till it was on the way, but from the very moment he knew of Thomas' existence, before they knew it was a boy, actually, he had loved him with all his heart. It was almost impossible to believe that this little bunch of life inside of Beth was a part of himself – the best of him, and of Beth, put together to something new and better than both of them.<p>

"How aggressive?" Jamie's voice rang strangely in his ears, choked up.  
><em>Be strong.<br>_The doctor shook his head. "Survival rate for the fetus is twelve percent. I am very sorry." He stood up. "I will check on you in two hours. If you need something, just ring."

Before the door had closed Jamie turned Beth around, pressing her against him as firm as he dared. He heard her breath going faster and faster, a deer in a trap, hoping for an escape while knowing deep inside that there was none. No way out. Nothing they could do to change the situation. He couldn't speak. It took all his power not to cry as he held her in his arms, breathing in her familiar scent mixed with the sharp aroma of hospital.  
>Was there anything to say? Sorely afflicted as his family was, he couldn't remember any similar situation. They hadn't seen death coming with Joe, and with his mother… it had been different. There was nothing to do about cancer, and for all it was worth, Mary Reagan had had the chance to live. She had died too young, and seeing Beth turning into a mother was making him miss her more nowadays, but still… she had lived. She had been happy, and sad, a schoolgirl and a bride and a mother, a grandmother.<br>Thomas would have nothing.  
>And there was nothing he could do against it.<p>

Nothing.

The door opened, and Danny peered in. "Hey, guys, can we… oh no. What happened?" Beth tried to move out of the embrace but Jamie held her. "Just a minute, okay?"  
>"Course." He quickly backed out, closing his eyes against the worried eyes of his family. He couldn't shut out the picture of his little brother, though, hurt and helpless. He hadn't seen this look on Jamie's face for a long, blessed time – since he had proposed to Beth Conway at her brother' firehouse, ignoring his family's prejudices, Andrew Conway's obvious despise, the sad ending of his previous engagement and, last but very not least, Beth's own insecurity.<br>She had said yes. And though Henry and Andy had made bets about how soon one or the other would cancel (that was before they had realized their shared taste of whiskey, beer and hockey, and therefore made their peace with the reunion), Jamie and Beth had held to their promises.  
>At their wedding day, no eye had stayed dry. In substitution for Andy, his chief had led the bride down the aisle, with Nicki as bridesmaid beaming four steps ahead. For once, Jamie had not even seen his niece, nor his father or Danny, his best man.<p>

He had only had eyes for Beth as she came closer, her hand shivering lightly at the chief's arm but her eyes burnt with the same fire he had fallen in love with, strong, understanding, funny and more loyal than he deserved. Her hair was perfect, of course, done by her boss Mr. Argnan personally, and the dress… it was amazing. She was amazing, every inch of her, and the most amazing thing of all was that she was on her way to him. They had made it. She would be his, before god and men, heaven and hell and whatever would be laid at their path. They would go together, and nothing else mattered. Jamie's smiled widened with every step, and Beth's face lit up as well, till the smile broke into a soft laughter, enameled with tears. Mostly of joy, he knew, but in the tightness of her arm he saw that she was thinking of her brother.  
>Andy had died in the line of duty seven weeks ago. The wooden floor of a burning house had collapsed, burying the firefighter under flaming wood after a fall of twelve meters. His comrades had managed to retrieve him, but Andy had already been dead.<br>No chance to say goodbye. Just like it had been with Joe.  
>Jamie looked down for a moment. He was alive. He missed his brother, but he knew that Joe would want him to live, and right now, his life was more beautiful than he ever had expected it to be. He had to live now.<br>And God knew he wanted to live, right now, with this woman trusting him to make her happy.  
>He wanted it with all his heart.<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm sorry." Beth closed her eyes. "Jamie, I really…"  
>He shook his head and pressed his face into her hair. "Baby, there's nothing to be sorry for. It's…" His voice broke as he allowed the tears to fall. He had promised his father to stay strong, but if he couldn't be honest to his wife, what was it all worth?<p>

"Take care of him."  
>It was more the sudden calmness of her voice than her words that made Jamie's heart race up once again. "What are you talking about?"<br>She gently pulled back to look into his eyes, and there it was again, his beloved spark of fire, radiating out of her eyes. Only this time, he suddenly understood, Beth was about to burn herself.  
>"Beth…"<br>"He's not ready yet" she interrupted firmly, entwining her fingers with her husband's and guiding their hands to her swollen belly. "You and I, we made a promise we would take care of him. No matter what, no matter how. You promised me, Jamie."  
>"Beth, no…" Actually, he had made her promise. Promise that she would go on if he was killed on duty, promise that she would become happy again. Jamie had forced the promise on her long ago, after Andy's death. Beth had been devastated, as he had known she would be – Andy had been her protector and best friend, even more after their elder brother had died – as he knew he had been after Joe's death. But then he had been so consumed with his own grief that, for a few weeks at last, couldn't care much about his family's pain. How could he help them getting over Joe if every cell in his brain was denying he was gone? He couldn't be. He had to come back, how were they to live without Joe? They needed him, everyone needed him. After his death it seemed clear to Jamie that Joe was the center of the family, the one nobody could live without.<br>It had taken a lot of strength, and even more time, to accept that his big brother would never come home again. That he never again would help Jamie out, that Jamie would never again have the chance to say how grateful he was for his brother.

Seeing Beth being shattered under the weight of her brother's death had brought up the memories and the pain, fresh as on the first day. Only now it was multiplied by the knowledge that the woman he loved was suffering too, that she was living through the same nightmare Jamie's family had been thrown into, and that there was no way to change it. After the first shock Jamie had been able to push away the thought of his brother, to store the pain away, and make room for the equally stabbing pain of being helpless. Beth didn't want to see anyone, partly because she didn't want to burden them with her grief, partly because she then would have to accept it.  
>Denial. Anger. Depression. Different to Jamie, Beth had skipped the phase of bargaining with death. After weeks of tears and days of silence, she had one night opened the door Jamie had patiently been leaning at, and let him in. Acceptance. This night Jamie had feared for her life. He had hoped it would be better once she let somebody in, but it had very soon become clear that Beth was ready to say goodbye. She never put it in words, but Jamie felt the pleading, saw it in her eyes. Pleading for the permission to die. Jamie had never felt so helpless in his life.<p>

How he had made her promise to keep on living, he didn't know anymore, but when the sun rose, Beth had agreed. Under the condition that Jamie gave his word for hers.  
>Of course he had promised. There was nothing he would not have done for her to live.<p>

"I will not risk our son's life to save mine" Beth said firmly, "the therapy can't start before Thomas is born, and he is not ready yet."  
>"Maybe he is" Jamie prompted, "twenty-five weeks is not impossible, there have been worse…"<br>"I said I will not risk it!" She squeezed his hand painfully. "Our baby deserves all the time he needs. That's fifteen weeks to go."  
>"You don't have fifteen weeks!" Didn't she see it? Could she really be so stupid? For a moment Jamie felt the urge to grab his wife and shake some sense into her, till the soft sad smile would leave? Didn't she understand?<p>

Beth frowned. "Ready in there, Harvard?"  
>He slumped down, the rage gone as fast as it had come. Of course she saw. She felt it, she knew she wouldn't last.<br>"Beth…" With shivering fingers Jamie circled his wife's face, caressing her cheeks, her nose. "Please don't leave me."  
>She leant forward to kiss him, then stayed close, her forehead touching his. "I know I can't give him fifteen weeks" she whispered, "but I whatever power I have, I will give him. You have to let me do this, Jamie."<br>"You're asking me to let you die?" He chuckled sadly. "Again?"  
>Sighing, Beth leant her face into the palm of his hand and kissed it. The scars around her left eye shone violet in the light, underlining how pale she was. How came he hadn't noticed? How came Beth hadn't noticed?<br>What had any of them done to deserve this?

"No" Beth looked up at him again, fire burning in her eyes. "I want you to let me save Thomas."


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you very much for your kind words! **

Danny kept his eyes closed as long as possible. Reporting bad news was the worst part of the job, worse than writing endless protocols and records, worse than fighting with the attorneys for every inch of the next move… those things were annoying, but you got used to annoying things. You didn't get used to pain, not to the kind of pain he had just seen in Jamie's eyes.

"Uncle Danny?" Nicki's arm was tightly wrapped around her mother's waist, her eyes both challenging and pleading. How came his niece had grown up so fast? "How's Beth and the baby?"  
>Erin took a deep breath, as if surprised by her daughter's question, though it had been hanging above the family for the last hour, dark and threatening.<br>They had all sensed something was really wrong, Danny realized with a sudden urge to laugh. When had the Reagans become so superstitious?  
>Then again, he could only guess how he was looking right now.<br>"I don't know" he admitted, sighing. "But it didn't look good." Understatement of the year. Jamie's eyes kept following Danny as he turned to his father. "Maybe you should go and talk to him, I…"

The door opened again and Jamie emerged, pale as death. Erin couldn't bite back a gasp of shock as she saw her baby brother, and when Nicki started crying it was all Danny could do to keep his own tears at bay. He knew hopelessness when he saw it. It just…didn't make sense at all.  
>"What happened?"<br>Jamie's shrug told him that he didn't understand it either. When he opened his mouth, the family gathered closer around him, as if the words were less dangerous if only uttered in a whisper.  
>"She's been septic for a while without noticing it, at least without telling me…" his hands moved shakily over his face. "I don't know why I just… and now…" he took a deep breath and looked at his father, silently begging him to forgive his weakness.<br>Frank firmly put his arm around his youngest son's shoulders, the other around his daughter's. Erin reached for Nicki whose free hand automatically searched for Danny's. He grabbed it and held tight, trying to smile at the teenager.

Jamie's eyes wandered over the circle, and he smile sadly. "That's all I wanted for her" he murmured, "I wanted to give her a family. I wanted to keep her safe, her and Thomas. And now…" He couldn't help but smile as his family's face, even Nicki's, lit up.  
>"Thomas?" Erin echoed. "That's a beautiful name."<br>"Thomas Joseph, actually" he still smiled. "She was so happy when she told me. And I was, too. We promised to take care of him. We promised to live, earlier, no matter what." The smile died away.  
>Danny closed the circle as he grabbed his brother's shoulder. "What's wrong, kid?"<p>

"Either she gets medicated so aggressively it will likely kill our baby or… she dies." He swallowed. "And she wants to die for him." He started shivering, tears rolling out of his eyes. "I'm sorry, dad, I can't…"  
>"Erin!" Frank warned and she quickly tore Nicki out of the group hug and buried her against her body as the girl broke down sobbing.<br>Jamie wound out of his father's and brother's grip, too. "I'm sorry."

Danny found his brother around the next corner, leaning rigidly against the wall, his eyes red but dry.  
>"You didn't go far."<br>"How could I?" He shook his head. "There is nothing I would not do for those two, Danny. Nothing I wouldn't give to make sure they're safe, and I… just… can't." He looked up at his big brother, and the sudden rush of hope in his eyes stabbed Danny right in the heart. There was nothing _he_ wouldn't do to help Jamie, but he was just as helpless.  
>"I'm so sorry, kid."<br>The flicker of hope died as soon as it had come, and Jamie's glance traveled back into nothingness. "What am I supposed to do?"  
>"What do you mean?"<br>"I mean should I fight with her? I have to. I can't just let her… I can't let her die like that, I can't… agree to that. But if I fight and it's the last thing I ever say to her…" he broke off as fresh tears rolled down his face. "And I feel like no matter what I'm doing, dad will be disappointed."

"Alright, now let's forget about dad for a minute, will you?" Danny shook his head. "This is your life, Jamie. You've been arguing with me for almost four years because I wouldn't let you live your life, and now you feel bad because of dad? He's never been through any of this, Jamie. None of us ever has."  
>Which was probably not the best thing to say, he realized.<br>Jamie's head dropped down. "So I lived my life and now the woman I love is going to die to protect our child. She's twenty-four, Danny. What life did she have? What life did I offer her?" He waved his brother's protest off and closed his eyes. "I just… I know it's been just an hour and a half, but… it feels like this is half of my life. And I can't help thinking that if we hadn't met, Beth wouldn't be lying here right now."  
>"Maybe. Maybe she'd be dead already" Danny murmured, frowning. He wasn't sure where Jamie was going right now, but he didn't like it. "Anyway, there'd be no Thomas Joseph Reagan on the way." Despite the grief he felt, Danny, too, had to smile at the name. Joe. He would never come back, but he would never be forgotten.<p>

"Who says he'll make it if Beth dies?" Jamie whispered hoarsely. "And what's going to happen to him? Danny, how can I ever take care of a child if I know Beth died for him? How can I… how can I live when she gives up everything and dies?"  
>"What else are you going to do?" Danny grabbed his brother's shoulders, forcing him to look at him. "Run away from your own child? They child you swore to protect? No matter what? Do you think that will help anybody?"<br>Jamie held the fierce glance only for a second. "I can't do this, Danny." His voice was barely audible and so desperate it broke Danny's heart. Still he forced the anger in him to be stronger. "So you will leave Beth and your son to die, both of them, alone. Is that what you're talking about?"  
>"I can't, Danny!"<br>"You will!" He roared, so loud that several nurses and visitors peered out at the corridor. "You will, Jamie, you will live as you promised, and no matter who survives you will be there for them, understood? This is your family!"  
>"My family's going to die" Jamie yelled back, much weaker than Danny, "and I can't do anything about it. I'm useless! I'm as useless as you always said I was. I can't help her! And I can't help him. I just… I wish it was over already. I wish I was dead."<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

_**I know it's been a bit depressing, but I promise it will pick up! Slowly…**_

**Three weeks later**

"Greg, I don't care how experimental it is. My sister-in-law will die if you don't do anything, there is… yes, she will! There is no way you can harm her more, just… try it. Please, Greg. For old times' sake, please. I promise there will be no problem from our side. Just try to save their lives. Thank you." Linda closed her eyes and sighed. "He'll talk to her tomorrow. If Beth and Jamie agree the therapy will be started at once."  
>"You're the best." Danny wrapped his arms around his wife from behind, rocking her gently. "I knew that before, though" he whispered at her neck, and Linda laughed as she turned around to kiss him. "I hope it works" she murmured, "I… I'm so worried about Jamie. If Beth doesn't make it, then…" She stopped herself before the sentence had the chance to finish – one of the first things she had learnt in her marriage was the ability to stop "what-ifs" before they could unfold.<br>Reality was hard enough.

Danny buried his face in his wife's hair, enjoying the intimacy. After a moment he looked up. "Should I call him?"  
>"Before Greg talks to them? I wouldn't, Danny. But you can call him and invite him for dinner."<p>

Jamie's cell buzzed silently, waking him from an uncomfortable slumber in the visitor's chair. Automatically he reached for Beth's hand, making sure it was still warm. She was on pain medication for a week now, and while tests showed that it didn't hurt the baby, it tired her out. And the sepsis won over day by day.  
>"Hey, Danny" he whispered, stroking his sleeping wife's hand, her face. "What's up?"<br>Danny sighed. "That's what I wanted to ask you."  
>Jamie swallowed. "Nothing different. Both of them." He quickly looked at the only monitor that made him smile: the one showing his son's heartbeat.<br>"Yeah… I meant you, kid. How do you feel?"  
>"I'm… I…" Jamie closed his eyes. He had changed to office duty last week and was taking hours off as much as he could to be with Beth, even though she had protested against it.<p>

He knew it was not a good sign of trust and hope to spend every waking (and some sleeping) hour at the hospital, but he couldn't help it. He had planned to spend his life with this woman, and even as a cop he had hoped for thirty, maybe fifty years. Was it that hard to understand that he wanted to savor every moment he could get?

"I'm afraid I won't have the chance to say goodbye" Jamie finally admitted, knowing that Danny would understand. The suddenness of Joe's death had devastated them, not only his loss but that it happened so soon, so unexpected.

Danny closed his eyes. "I know, kid. But you will. And maybe…" he shook his head. Linda was right, this was not his job. If there was a possibility to save both Beth and Thomas, surely Jamie should hear it from the one person who would do it. "But you have to get out of here. Come over for dinner. Your nephews miss you."

Beth opened one eye sleepily. Noticing it, Jamie squeezed her hand. "I… Danny, I can't. Thanks, but…" he smiled at his wife, "I already have a wonderful date for tonight."  
>Beth frowned, shook her head and pointed at the phone. Dizzy as she was there was a faint flicker of light in her eyes. Obediently, Jamie handed his cell over.<br>"Hey… Danny? Great idea. He's on his way." She listened for a minute, then chuckled weakly. "Course I will. Hey, I've got nothing to do here anyway… sounds good. Thanks. Don't let him come back to soon, alright? How are the boys? Tell them… yeah, tell them I want to read their ghost story before Christmas. Okay."  
>She hung up and closed her eyes for a moment, then gave the phone back to her husband. "Go."<br>"Beth…"  
>"Please, Jamie. Go." Her glance softened as she saw the expression of confuse and hurt. Gently she moved her fingers over his face. "I know you don't want to leave me alone, but you promised me you'd live. And I'm not the only one who needs you. Your siblings need you, your father and grandfather need you. Nicki, Jack and Sean need you, and you need them. Hey, your life with Thomas is not going to be easy at the beginning. And probably not later, either. You'll need every help you can get. And you need to get out of here." She bit her lips as he frowned. "I know I said I don't want to be alone, Jamie. I don't want to. I don't want to die alone. But I'm not going to die tonight. Promise. I'm sorry I didn't push you away earlier, since that's what I'm supposed to do as a good wife, making you getting on with your life, but I'm doing it now." She shook her head as Jamie wanted to protest, "I want you to eat and have fun, and I don't want you to come back tonight. Or tomorrow before your shift. You can call me, I'd like that, but I don't want to see you till tomorrow night. Understood? We should both be stronger."<p>

Jamie shook his head. "You're incredible, you know that?"  
>The smile she threw at him was almost her old self, and joy and anger both jumped at Jamie, ripping him apart. Joy that this woman was his, and anger that she was taken from him, and that he was helpless against it.<br>"Yeah, there was this handsome guy telling me about it."  
>"What guy?" he mocked, bowing forward to kiss her.<br>Beth breathed in deeply as he embraced her, taking in all the strength and support he was for her. "The best man I've ever known. I love you. I would never have done this – any of it – without you."  
>Jamie felt his throat tighten. "I love you too."<p>

Two hours later Danny heard his brother laughing for the first time in what seemed a year as he was battling his nephews on the computer. "Where did you get your driver's license, uh?"  
>"I don't have a driver's license!"<br>"Then get off the street!"  
>"You get off!"<br>Linda shook her head, smiling. "I've missed that" she muttered as she watched her sons and their uncle rolling around on the floor.  
>"Me too" Danny smiled. "I think I should join them, though. Look at what those kids are doing on the road! Someone should…"<br>"Oh, of course." She nodded, then reached for Danny's collar as he wanted to go over. "But not now." She frowned. "You could ask him if he wants to stay overnight, though."  
>"Linda! He's my brother, not my son!"<br>"And he's terrified of being alone, Danny. He always was."  
>"He always was afraid of the dark."<br>"Only when nobody was with him. I think part of the reason he spends the nights at work or at the hospital is that he doesn't want to come home into a dark loneliness."  
>"And so you want him to stay here?"<br>Linda shrugged. "I want my sons to go to bed so they won't fall asleep in school tomorrow. And I've got better chances with that when I can promise them that uncle Jamie will be here for breakfast."  
>Danny shook his head. "You're incredible, you know that?"<p>

Jamie's shift started at midnight, but Danny saw the gratitude in his eyes as Linda offered him to com whenever he wanted. When he turned to his brother, guilt crept up into Jamie's eyes. "I won't leave them. Never."  
>Danny smiled as he hugged his brother. "I know. It will be alright. You'll see."<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

_**Sorry it's been so long! I hope it'll get on faster again. I'm still not sure if this story should end happily or depressingly, anyway… but I'm probably open for any suggestions!**_

"Hey, how are my two favorite people in the world?" For the first time in ages Jamie found himself actually smiling, despite the exhaustion after eight hours babysitting the phone. He hadn't expected office duty to tire him out as much as patrolling, but actually it was. New York never slept.  
>Still, the memory of his nephews laughing had lasted, and it seemed like a little sunray through the heavy fog. Not that it could help anything, at last, but…<br>"Hey. How was your night?"  
>He winced. It was the most innocent question ever, but since she had collapsed in front of him after asking it, it freaked him out. "Quiet."<br>"Good." Beth sighed. "Jamie… remember when I asked you not to come in the morning?"  
>He straightened up. "Yeah."<br>"Well… there's a new surgeon who wants to talk to us. He said maybe there's… maybe there's a way…"  
>Jamie's body went numb again, while all around the air seemed to buzz. He swallowed and tried to stay calm. He couldn't let himself hope, he couldn't… he had to be strong for Beth and Thomas and that wouldn't be possible if he dared dreaming now… then again, wasn't that the sense of prayers? That miracles could come true?<br>He closed his eyes. "A way for what?" His voice was shivering.  
>The laughter at the other end almost made him cry. "Sorry. It's just… maybe we both can live. I mean… the three of us. Together."<p>

The tears fell freely, and he couldn't care less. "I'm on my way. Just do it, okay, whatever he wants, you do it, we can pay it, I swear, I… I'm here in a moment, okay? I love you." He hang up without waiting for her answer, unable to speak anymore, almost unable to think.  
>She could live. They could have their family. They could have the life they were dreaming of.<p>

"Jamie?"  
>He looked up. Renzulli was looking at him, alarmed. "Is there anything I can…"<br>"No, no, it's… it's okay." Hurriedly he wiped the tears off his face. It was embarrassing how much he had let himself go. Renzulli shouldn't still be worried about him. And he had to stop crying like that.  
>"How do you mean okay?" The sergeant was not convinced.<br>"She's gonna live." Then Jamie dropped back to earth. "Maybe. I have to find out."  
>Renzulli nodded. "Then what the hell are you doing here? Get over, and come back with some good news for once, will you?"<br>He shook his head as he watched his former rookie storm out. He wished, he really wished for the girl to pull through but if he had learnt one thing about the Reagans it was that there was always something wrong. The only one who really seemed to have his life under control was… well… Danny.

"Detective Reagan? Hey, kid, what's up?" Danny sent a quick prayer up. This was either Beth's salvation or her irreversible death sentence.  
>"She's gonna live. Both of them, Danny."<br>Thank God. Danny looked up and mouthed grace into the cloudless sky. Somewhere in the back of his mind he disliked the fact that Jamie referred to his wife as "she". He was overprotective, as all of them were, but Beth's illness had reinforced his passion to something… maybe unhealthy.  
>"Danny?"<br>Maybe now was not the time to tell him that. "Really? Jamie, that's great. That's…" he allowed the sigh of relief to break through. "How?"  
>"Blood transfusion." Jamie took Beth's hand and squeezed it gently. She was already looking better from all he could judge. Which actually might not be very far, but who cared? She would live. She would hold her son in her arms, and one day she would cry at his wedding, and then hold her grandchildren… "They extract a little amount of blood and treat it as aggressively as they need to, and then put it back one it's clean."<br>"Wow that sounds…" Danny shook his head. "Disgusting. But it's going to work? And Thomas won't be affected by it?"  
>"Since it happens outside Beth's body, no." Jamie sounded as happily as when they had announced Beth's pregnancy. "But they always have him on the record, so… Danny, I…"<br>"It is going to be okay." Danny smiled. "Jamie, that's the best news I heard in this whole week. Or month. Have you told dad already?"  
>"No, but I'm going to."<br>"Can I tell Linda? Please. It was sort of… well, sort of her idea to ask that guy trying this therapy. To be honest."  
>"She… what?" In the background, Danny heard Beth laughing. "God, Danny, she saved Beth' life."<br>"Well, you better say thank you and bring her some flowers."  
>"Red poppy" Beth fell in, "and marguerites. Right, Danny? As if that could ever be enough."<br>"We're family, Beth. That's what we're doing" Danny said gently. "But I'm not gonna say no if you want to keep babysitting our boys once in a while so we can have a night out."  
>"Always."<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

_**Sorry it's been so long! Again ^^ - Somehow knowing that season 5 has just started while I'm still waiting for season 3 paralyzes me. **_

"Oh come on!" Danny squinted. Not now. He had the right to sleep. Especially at the weekend.  
>The phone kept beeping.<br>"No!"  
>Linda sighed, and Danny cursed himself. Somehow his wife had learnt to ignore his cell, but not his growling. "What's wrong?"<br>He quickly turned over and kissed her. "I don't think I want to find out."  
>Linda frowned. "It's… three in the morning, Danny."<br>"That's exactly why" sighing he reached over to switch off his phone and froze. "No."

Frank rose from an uneasy slumber in the living room. In the past few weeks it had become more and more frequent for him to stay down there, just as it had been in the first months after Mary's death. Being in the house had been hard enough, but the thought of laying down alone in the bed they had shared for almost thirty years...  
>He had refused to go upstairs, even when the pain in his back had started to linger the whole day. His children and his father had tried to coax him into buying a new bed, into doing a therapy for his back, but he hadn't listened.<br>It took Sean, in the end, to make him wanting to feel younger again. His youngest grandson was just learning to walk. How was Frank supposed to watch over him, play with him, if he couldn't move?  
>Seven years had passed. If someone had told him, then, that the worst was still to come, he would have probably ended it all.<br>By now, however, he was happy to be alive. His children – those who were still with him – were happy, and his grandchildren, too.  
>Talking about grandchildren. As he reached for the little thing on the table that had woken him up, Frank felt a familiar weight settle on his shoulders, bearing him down. This was not a good time to be called, not by Jamie. Not for the next seven weeks…<p>

"You are not going out with Dylan again!"  
>"It wasn't his fault, mom! He protected me! And nothing happened!"<br>"This time, maybe! It's three in the morning and you just came home! What does that tell you, Ms. Future-Detective?" Erin was foaming, but the reason her hands were shaking was not rage. It was relief. This night had brought firefighters and cops alike to the verge of a breakdown – almost fifty thousand people filled the streets, and worse, they filled houses and cars – with fire. The closing of one of the biggest firms had not only cost thousands of workplaces, it had also broken the faith of many people. New York was bankrupt, had been for a long time, actually. But now people knew it. And despite her beliefs, despite everything she had promised to fight for, Erin had come to realize that she didn't want the people to know everything. She didn't like lying, but seeing what the truth did to her family, to her city… where was it all going to end? And what was there for her to do to make it better?  
>And why, why on earth had her daughter go dating someone two years her senior – and a future firefighter, of course, they had met when she had visited Beth's second family four months ago - on <em>this<em> night?  
>"Mom…" Nicki's voice was shaking, from the same mixture of anger and relief as her mother. They had walked straight into a very aggressive group attacking cars, and it had needed all her persuasion and a lot of kisses to stop Dylan from running against them. Her best argument had been that he couldn't get her home safely if he was knocked out, and at the mentioning of that, the young man had wrapped his arm around her and led her home, through small but empty streets. Despite the fear lingering in her stomach, a part of Nicki had wished for the way never to end.<br>"Mom, can we please talk about this in the morning? Please! I…"  
>"There is nothing more to talk." Erin shook her head, suddenly tired. "Just go to bed. You're grounded for six weeks."<br>"Mom!"  
>"I will not lose you just because the world is going crazy!"<br>"Nothing's going crazy, you're just getting old and afraid of everything!"

Two heartbearts passed in silence, then, as Erin opened her mouth, the phone on the table in front of them beeped. Both women bowed forward to read the caller, and Nicki's eyes widened. "Do you think…"  
>"Let's find out" Erin murmured more to herself. She could only hope that Thomas Reagan was not being born right now, because it was way too early. True, the most dangerous times were over, but he was still not ready. And Beth neither.<p>

"Jamie, what happened? What… oh my god. And how is… alright, alright, it's going to be okay, you hear me? Just… yes, we're on our way, we… of course. Jamie! Everything will be alright." She closed her eyes as she hung up, a habit she and Danny shared.

"Mom?" Nicki's voice was down to a whisper as she moved closer to her mother again. Without opening her eyes Erin reached for her daughter's hand. "You're grounded after tomorrow. Now we're gonna see your cousin."  
>Nicki gasped. "He's here? How is he?"<br>"Alive, for now." She bit her lips as her heart seemed to break for her little brother. "But he's in intensive care."  
>"And Beth?"<br>"Too."


	11. Chapter 11

"Hey, girls!" Danny's voice reached easily over the parking lot. As the women stopped Erin felt Nicki's hand sliding into hers and squeezed it gently. Whatever conflict they had, it would stay between the two of them. Nothing for the dinner table.  
>"What do you know?" Erin asked as she hastily kissed her brother's cheeks. Danny winked weakly at Nicki and led them into the hospital, eager to not waste time anymore. "Intensive care for both of them. And Jamie pacing the floors alone again. Why can't he have a little luck, Erin? I mean, why…" he stopped himself as Nicki looked at him, and Erin gently put her arm around his shoulders. "I know, Danny. But we have to be strong for him now."<br>"Of course. Where's dad?"  
>"Just waiting for you." Frank stood up as he saw his children and quickly hugged both of them, then his granddaughter. "I know where we've got to go. Come on, pop, you can sleep later."<br>"I didn't sleep" Henry protested, then grinned at his grandchildren – a grin nobody could believe. Nicki swallowed repeatedly as they approached the corridor, and Erin let go of her brother to wrap her arms around her. "You don't have to…"  
>"I will." Nicki wiped the tears away angrily. "I'm just scared of what uncle Jamie will look like."<br>"Not only you, kid" Henry admitted, and Danny nodded.

"Oh my god." Erin's hand flew up to her mouth in a weak effort to stifle a sound that was both a cry and a giggle.  
>Frank sighed deeply. "Hello, dad" he said, smiling.<p>

Jamie looked up, his face glowing with a light Frank had never seen on him. Not when he had announced his engagement with Sydney, not on his graduation from the academy, not even on his wedding day with Beth. It was a light that spoke of heaven, of a luck and a love so deep that you couldn't understand it, couldn't even imagine it until you felt it.  
>Jamie had always been a handsome boy, but he had never looked as good as he did now. The small bundle of life he held in his arms, strong and gentle and obviously in love, seemed to have completed him. If there ever had been any trace of a doubt that Jamison Reagan would not be a wonderful father, Frank knew it was erased by now.<br>He knew the feeling. It was all he had ever wished for his children.

"Hey, dad" Jamie replied softly, beaming, his glance moving between his family and his newborn son. "Hey, guys. May I introduce you…", carefully he shifted the baby so his family could see him better as they came closer, all of them crying, "to Thomas Joseph Reagan."  
>"Joseph" Erin mouthed as she looked at the baby, unable to decide whether the second name made her sad or happy. "Jamie, he's so beautiful."<br>"I know. I… I mean…"  
>Danny laughed, breaking the pent-up silence as he patted his little brother on the shoulders. "Just be proud of him, kid. That's… I am, anyway. I'm proud of you. That's… that boy's the third most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen."<br>"Make that fourth" Frank murmured, lost in his newest grandson's eyes, "and don't hit me. I'm the grandfather, I don't have to choose who of my grandchildren is the most beautiful. I just have to spoil them."  
>Nicki giggled. "Copy that."<p>

Jamie's glance was already absorbed by his son again. As he rocked him gently, Erin couldn't help but stare at the ring on his left hand. "Jamie?" She looked at her father and older brother for help. Danny shook his head. Not now. This moment was precious, and there would be enough time to worry about Beth later.

Jamie looked up, and Erin bit her lips. "I… I just think… that's a wonderful name. And you'll be a wonderful dad."


	12. Chapter 12

_**Thank you to all reviewers and readers! **_

_You'll be a wonderful dad._  
>The smile on his face remained, carved into his face the moment his son looked at him for the first time, strong and alive and healthy and… those eyes. Jamie's eyes, his brother's and his mom's eyes. Thomas was undeniably a Reagan.<br>His nose, however, was clearly Conway. A small part of Andy and Michael come alive again.  
>No, not again. Jamie swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, but it returned, slowly suffocating him. He couldn't do that. He couldn't burden his son with the memories of dead uncles, he couldn't look for Joe in his features. Thomas was a person of his own.<br>Fear smoothed into the overwhelming joy as Jamie handed his son to his father, only half realizing what he was doing. How was he supposed to raise a child? What could he give to the baby to make him a boy, a man? How could he ever be enough?

Of course, he would never be alone. Thomas would never be alone. Jamie let the tears fall as he watched his gruff, sometimes harsh, never satisfied brother melting as he held his nephew in his arms. There was something in Danny's eyes as he smiled at Thomas that made it impossible not to cry. Love, gratefulness, envy at the unconditional love Danny seemed to have for Thomas in the matter of seconds but never seemed to have felt for Jamie, fear, guilt for his happiness, exhaustion,… fear. It kept returning, and with every second his son was alive it grew stronger.  
>The world was cruel. He was a cop, he knew it.<br>Beth knew it too.

She had given everything for their baby, and maybe he had already lost her. Maybe he was already lost.

Did it matter, though? He couldn't do this. Right now he felt barely grown up himself, just tired and terrified. His family would look after Thomas. They would love him and help and educate him, better than Jamie would ever do on his own.

"A penny for your thoughts." His father's hand landed on his shoulder, warm and firm. He had raised four children, lost one of them, lost his wife, carried the responsibility for thousands of people on his shoulders… he had never given up.  
>"Jamie." Frank squeezed his sons shoulder gently. "There is nothing right now to be ashamed of."<p>

Jamie had never felt so ashamed in his entire life.

"I… I…" He sighed. This was wrong, everything was wrong, shouldn't he be filled with happiness now? Pure, all absorbing happiness?  
>He needed Beth. He needed to see her, to see the happiness in her eyes so he could feel it again in his heart. He needed to see her holding her son. Right now.<br>"I'm scared, dad." His words were barely audible, his glance flickering from the floor to Thomas and back.

Frank smiled. "Well, I think you're going to be a great father, then."  
>Jamie frowned. "What?"<br>The police commissioner shook his head. "When the nurse firstly put Danny in my arms, I was torn between standing here forever, lost in this moment, and running away as fast as I could. Raising a child is never easy, Jamie. You will come to the point where you fear that everything you did was wrong. But trust me when I say it is worth it. Every second of worry and anger and tiredness… it's worth it. And there's one thing you have to understand." He swallowed, overcome by too many emotions himself now. "You may be afraid of how fast it is going, and how much might go wrong, but your son doesn't have to know it. All he has to know is that you love him, no matter what."  
>"I do."<br>"I know." Frank hugged his son tightly. "All of you have become wonderful people. Braver, stronger, cleverer than I could have ever imagined. You will be fine. Thomas will be fine."  
>The silence following dimmed the brightness of his words, but Jamie felt lighter nevertheless. "Thanks, dad."<br>"Anytime. That's my job as a father."  
>"We made plans, you know." Jamie reached for his father's hand for support. "In case anything happened to one of us." He didn't want to say it, didn't even want to think it, but he had been weak long enough. He needed to show his family he was able to take on the responsibility. Even if he didn't believe it himself yet.<br>"Being a cop is dangerous, you always said that. And… Beth and I agreed that… if she… if I was to raise Thomas alone, I would quit the job."

"You what?" Erin's eyes were wide as she looked over to her father and brother. Nicki and Henry were busy adoring Thomas, but Danny seemed to have followed the conversation as well. His face was unreadable.  
>Jamie swallowed. Better to say it once quickly and then forget about it forever. "If Beth doesn't survive, I'll quit being a cop and start working as a lawyer. Make something of my studies, after all."<p>

Danny opened his mouth but was interrupted by a nurse. "Mr. Reagan? It's about your wife. She's still weak but the worst is behind. We're about to wake her up."


	13. Chapter 13

_**Sorry it's been so long. I know this chapter is rather short but… well. There is something happening, at last. ;) **_

When he carefully placed his newborn son into Beth's waiting arms, Jamie forgot everything that had been before. What had he been worried about two minutes ago? What had he feared so badly?

Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing but the world exploding in gold light and warmth, and in a feeling so sweet and strong it closed up his throat with tears of grace.  
>His family.<br>Unable to say a word he sat down at the bed, his eyes magnetically pulled to the baby sleeping soundly, gently rocked by his mother. Thomas' mother, his wife who was alive and beaming with joy and love. As he looked at her Jamie realized that words were not necessary. Not now.  
>He wrapped his arms around Beth and Thomas, resting his forehead against hers as he kissed her. Her lips shivered and for a moment the meanwhile familiar panic whirled up in Jamie's stomach, but then he realized Beth was laughing. Silently to not wake the bundle of joy nestled against her skin but she laughed. "He's perfect."<br>Jamie smiled too, then kissed her again. "I know."  
>"Thank you."<br>"I did nothing."  
>Beth frowned but for once the overwhelming joy remained in her face. She looked at Thomas again, and Jamie's lips travelled down her neck to her shoulders. "But I will do everything to make sure he is safe and happy."<br>"Me too." Beth turned her head to meet her husband's forehead with her own. "You saved my life, Jamie. And protected his. And _started_ it, if I may remind you." The teasing protest in her voice made him laugh louder, and Thomas sleepily opened one eye.  
>Beth turned around again. "Hey, Thomas. It's just your dad." She stroked the baby's cheeks. "He's the best man in the world, by the way, just a little crazy sometimes."<br>"Hey! I'm not half as crazy as your mother is. It takes a lot of… it takes a lot to survive in a pack of Reagans."  
>Beth giggled. "You know I'm going to tell Danny about that."<br>Jamie shook his head and looked at his son who had fallen asleep again. "I don't think he'll care. Or that I care. All I think is… how much I love you both."  
>"And we love you."<p>

Ten days later, Thomas Joseph Reagan left the hospital in the arms of his proud father while Beth followed, beaming. It was a crisp cold beautiful New York morning.  
>"I missed Sunday dinner, you know."<br>"And we missed you." Jamie stopped to move his son in an upright position and kissed him. "Nicki's been having a hard time lately. I think Jack grows up."

He never got to know how exactly it happened. It was so fast, and he was held spellbound by his son's eyes, and he was so overall happy that it had made him careless.  
>But then tires screamed, brakes smoked and glass was broken.<p>

And Beth lay on the ground, two meters away from where he had last seen her. Her face was turned down, her hair soaked in a puddle of blood. Blood that poured out of her smashed skull.


	14. Chapter 14

"I don't know." Jamie's hands started shivering again, and Erin bit her lips not to hold them still. He didn't even seem to notice.  
>"I don't know." Frustration won over the tiredness in his voice. "She thought she was going to die for four months, how come I don't know where to bury her?"<br>Erin swallowed at the anger in his eyes though she knew it wasn't meant for her.  
>Danny cleared his throat. "Those are not things you talk about, Jamie. Not before you're seventy-five. It's not your fault."<br>"I should have asked her." As Jamie's eyes filled with tears again, Erin's hands closed around his firmly. Danny put an arm around his little brother, knowing there were no words to lessen his grief.

Beth had died six days ago. Tomorrow her corpse would be delivered to the cemetery. There it could rest for another three weeks, theoretically – but everyone had agreed that the funeral should be as soon as possible.

Suddenly Jamie startled. He looked at Thomas, sleeping peacefully on the couch of the Reagan's living room. Due to all the medication pumped into her – causing nausea, pain, drowsiness, and all for nothing – breastfeeding had never been an option for Beth. Chances were good that his son hadn't even noticed his mother was gone.  
>And could he blame him?<p>

He knelt down next to the baby and gently stroked his back. Thomas' nose and cheeks, even the way the corners of his mouth wrinkled when he squealed – left a little bit higher than right – were Beth's, but different to everything else these days, this remembrance didn't make it hard to breathe. It was everything he had of her.  
>Not enough. Not nearly.<p>

"He really is beautiful" Erin whispered as she followed her brother and now stroked his back. "And he looks happy."  
>"He's sleeping sixty percent of the day" Danny grumbled as he sat down next to his nephew. "But that's not the point." He shrugged as Erin's glance pierced through him. "What's the problem? Beth was your wife. She's a Reagan. There is room enough in our row."<p>

"But her family's graves are practically on the other side of the cemetery." Jamie's eyes never left his son. How could you love someone you barely know more than anything else in the world?

"Because you're a father." Danny smiled sadly, and only now Jamie realized he had asked the question loudly.  
>He closed his eyes to prevent new tears. "But I don't want it. Not this way." He swallowed. "She was my best friend. She loved him so much, and we… we so many plans for him. Excursions, parties, things we wanted to teach him… we wanted to go to Europe once, Ireland, maybe France. And we wanted him to have siblings. Maybe by adoption, depending on how safe it was for her to be pregnant. We wanted him to marry and… and…" Jamie broke down, and Danny wrapped his arms around him while Erin quickly took Thomas, rocking him so he wouldn't wake.<p>

"I'm so sorry, kid." Danny swallowed heavily but the knot in his throat wouldn't loosen. "I'm sorry." He pulled his brother upright enough to hug him tightly. "It shouldn't be like this." It stabbed him right in the heart to see Jamie like this and be unable to help him. He had rarely felt as helpless as he did now, with his baby brother sobbing so violently that Danny feared he would break apart. The kid was twenty-eight, for heaven's sake! He had his whole life laid out before him, and so far it had been everything Danny had wished for his brother: He was doing the job he loved (though Danny's stomach still turned whenever he heard of the police chasing a suspect, or a police accident, or a dead or hurt cop), he had his own home, he had friends, a healthy baby, and… an empty hurting place where the love of his life had been.  
>Beth.<p>

Danny tensed as he felt he was losing the fight against the tears. It was not only about Jamie's wife. He had lost his sister-in-law. That stubborn-to-death, firefighting, Josh Groban-loving wonderful girl who always was there for Linda when she needed someone to talk, whom his sons adored because she was funny but still consequent. She would have been a great mother. And she was easily the second-best daughter-in-law his father could have wished for, respecting everything even if she didn't understand it, polite but never afraid to speak her mind. Every once in a while she had seemed a little frail and sad and wouldn't speak at dinner, but given that she had lost her grandparents, parents and both her brothers Danny understood her. And most of the times she had been happy, and seeing her happy had made Jamie happier than Danny had ever seen him.

"Thomas will learn all those things, you know." His voice was thick with pain and somehow it felt wrong to speak of the future right now but he knew that he had to. From the corners of his eyes he saw Erin nodding, smiling at the baby in her arms. "He can't have the life you wanted for him but he can have a wonderful life, Jamie. And I know you will do anything to make sure he has it, and you know we will always be there for him. And for you. Neither of you will be alone. And one day you'll hold another baby in your arms. And it will be your grandchild" he added quickly as Jamie wanted to protest.

With an effort Jamie swallowed down the next flood of tears. He knew Beth wouldn't want him to cry. She wouldn't want it. And he wanted to do everything she had expected and wished from him, but it was so hard. It hurt so much to be here without her. And knowing that she would never come back, no matter how long he waited, was too much. He did his best to block the thought out but every night in his dreams the truth would come up, waking him up screaming.

"I miss her, Danny. I miss her every minute of the day, I can't go on, not without her. I can't… I know I have to be strong, and I love you guys, I really love you and I know you're there for me but I can't – I can't go on without her. Not a whole life, Danny."

Danny looked helplessly to Erin but all he saw was more tears. None of them had ever had to live with such a loss. They had lost their mother – which meant dad had lost his wife, but not at that age – and their brother, and thinking of either of them made Danny's heart raw with pain, but not this.

He closed his eyes and hugged Jamie tighter. "I'm so sorry, kid."


	15. Chapter 15

„_I… you… wow." Jamie bit his lips in embarrassment. So much for his academic career. He had assumed he was able to talk properly, but now he found himself lost for more than the simplest words: "You're beautiful."_

_Beth sighed in relief and smiled. "I'm glad you like it." Her hand followed the line of the olive-shimmering silk dress, outlining her slim silhouette. Gently Jamie laced his fingers with hers and held her hand up to kiss it. "Like is an understatement."_

"_Oh God help me." From behind, Andrew Conway appeared, his face twisted between disgust and pride. He stepped next to them to kiss his sister's cheek, but different to the previous times Jamie had taken her out nodded in his direction before he left. Smiling even wider, Beth turned to kiss her boyfriend – not on the cheek. As he wrapped his arms around her Jamie felt fireflies buzzing in his stomach, whirling around his whole world. In the past three months this woman had become his best friend. There was something in her eyes and her voice that made him trust her with everything, and just when he thought he knew her... she took his breath away. _

Jamie swallowed heavily but the lump wouldn't leave his throat. He pulled Thomas closer and tried to breathe normally. Losing his mother and Joe had showed him that you don't really suffocate on grief. It hurt physically, it was hard to breathe, it made it endlessly exhausting to put one foot in front of the other, but it didn't kill you.  
>If it wasn't for the baby in his arms Jamie wasn't sure he wouldn't have killed himself.<p>

Thirteen days.

_She pulled away. "I think Andy starts to like you."  
>"I guess he does." Jamie kissed her again. "No death threats today. Maybe cause he knows I know them by heart."<br>Beth put her hand on his cheek, her eyes filled with the familiar sudden sadness. "I'm sorry."  
>Jamie quickly shook his head. He hated to see that look on her. "Beth, you're more than worth it. Really. And I prefer your brother over mine."<br>Beth put her head on his shoulder as they walked down the street. "Your brother loves you. It's just not as easy to be overprotective with you."  
>Jamie sighed. "Do we really have to discuss this now?"<br>He enjoyed her laughter, if possible even more now than in the first weeks. "Alright, officer. What would you have us talk about?"_

Elizabeth Reagan, 1990-2014. Beloved daughter, sister, mother and wife.  
>The amount of attributes had been the firefighter's condition, and Jamie had thankfully agreed. Beth's first family was close to her name but she was lying with the Reagans.<p>

"I'm sorry."

Jamie nodded to the murmured condolences and the hands that landed on his shoulder, likely to support him but actually wearing him down. Every touch was a reminder of how Beth's skin had felt, how perfectly her body had been shaped, how much time they had spent holding each other, taking solace of the world's madness in the simple presence of the other.  
>It hadn't been enough time.<p>

He didn't hear a word the priest said about his wife, though he tried to listen. Somehow his mind seemed to be clouded, dimmed and broken apart from the world. When Frank gently took Thomas out of his arms and rocked him Jamie felt tears coming up in his eyes, but it was only when Danny hugged him tightly that they would finally run down his cheeks. Beth was gone. She was gone, forever, she had left Thomas and him here and he would never see her again.

"_So?" Beth smirked. "What is it? You can't complain about the wrong topic and then stay quiet. I mean, you can obviously" the playful smile became more seductive, "but it's not nice."  
>"It's not?" Jamie stopped and took both her hands, stroking them absentmindedly as his glance searched and found hers.<br>"Don't run, okay?"  
>Beth's eyes widened for a moment, then she swallowed and nodded. "What is it, Jamie?"<em>

"Are you sure you want to take this step, Jamie? You don't have to decide yet." Frank looked at his son in sorrow. Jamie was barely himself today, and far as he was from blaming him the police commissioner felt sick at the thought of what Jamie was going to throw away. He couldn't think about that now, there would be time in a few days, maybe weeks.  
>Jamie shook his head to drive the fog out. His eyes searched for his son who was sleeping soundly in Erin's arms now.<br>"I don't need more time. We've decided this long ago."

_Jamie moved closer. "Beth. I love you."  
>Beth gasped, and for the shortest moment he saw panic flicker in his eyes before it was replaced by sheer joy. Tears glimmered in her eyes. "And I love you."<em>

"I will not risk Thomas growing up as an orphan. I promised him, and I promised Beth." Jamie sighed.  
>"I'll quit the NYPD and become a lawyer."<p> 


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: I got season three :D :D :D :D ! And holy crap it's great! I just wished I didn't know already what's going to happen to Vinny… but anyway, finally! :D :D :D  
>As to this story – I never knew how far it would go or, honestly, how it would end. The end I thought for it just didn't seem right suddenly so for now, this is it. Thank you so much to all who read, reviewed, alerted and favorited.<strong>

_One year later_

"I almost lost it when the judge dismissed the cloth as evidence but in the end the jury was on my side. It was a good ending." A small proud smile tugged at the corners of Jamie's mouth, growing bigger until his eyes were filled with tears. He didn't wipe them away. The right to cry was one of the first things Beth and he had argued about, and in the end he had given in.  
>In the past year he had come to appreciate that rule.<p>

"Erin said I'm good, and by now I think she actually." In the first three months of working as a lawyer, his sister had encouraged and supported him no matter what he was doing, even through the veil of sadness standing between him and the world Jamie had noticed that.  
>It had been harder than he had imagined to sit in court, not only because missing Beth was a constant ache, wearing him out more than anything else ever had but because he was used to acting before a crime was committed – not reacting to it already happened. His knowledge came back fast enough, years of Harvard weren't likely to be forgotten… ever. What they hadn't told their students, however, was that the job consisted mostly of sitting around, reading and writing protocols and asking the same questions over and over again.<br>At the end of his second week Jamie had asked himself why on earth he had ever chosen law. Then he been at his father's house where Henry was babysitting Thomas, and every worry, grief and exhaustion had vanished at the sight of his little boy. For some hours at least. The job had called him back, and Thomas had stayed with his grand- and greatgrandfather.  
>Not being on the streets was bad enough. Not being with Beth was living hell, but within the first weeks, not being with his son had become the worst thing.<p>

A light breeze dried the tears on Jamie's face as he knelt down in front of the stone. He wasn't coming here very often – Beth still was everywhere he looked, and safe in his arms almost every night – but some things couldn't be done in a silent prayer during lunch break. And for all it was worth, many of the biggest decisions he had ever made had been announced at graveyards.  
>Going to Harvard. Enrolling for the academy to become a cop. Finding Joe's killer. Quitting being a cop to work as a lawyer instead.<p>

"Hey." He closed his eyes and silently called for the image of his wife. He still needed her to support him – in his trying to convince her, stupid enough. It wasn't as if she would say anything against his plans.  
>"I know this isn't your fault, I hope you know that too. We couldn't have known it was going to happen this way. And for all it's worth I would do it again. I would not change a minute of our life because it was perfect." The words stumbled over his lips, fast and heavy. It had taken a long time to accept that he was angry at Beth, for being sick, for accepting her death, for getting better only to die all the same.<br>"I love you. I have since I met you and I will till I die… and beyond. And I know you loved Thomas and me, so…" His voice broke, together with his resolution. Too weary to stand up Jamie sat on his heels and buried his face in his hands.  
>He had had this talk before – with his mother, and with Joe. Bargaining.<br>It always felt like betraying.

"Jamie?"  
>He didn't know how long he had been sitting there when his father stepped next to him.<br>Jamie didn't bother standing up. "I take it you heard-"  
>"I did." Frank's glance followed his son's to the stone that marked the last rest of his daughter-in-law. Her time in the Reagan's family had been rather short, but the impact the young woman had made was still perceptible. Not only on Jamie.<br>"Is Erin still mad at me?"  
>"She's fussing over her little nephew, she's not able to be angry at anyone right now." Thomas was just learning to walk, a constant challenge to everyone around. And already he seemed to be fascinated by fire.<p>

"I wanted to bring him here, but…" Jamie shook his head again as he stood up. When he looked at his father it seemed to Frank as if he was a child again, as innocent as can be yet already hit hard by life. Mary's mother had died shortly after Erin was born, her father when Jamie was about five years old. Old enough to understand the sadness of death, but not the bitterness it could leave you with.  
>The unspoken accusations, the wish to be dead as well. The slow steps back into life that made you feel guilty when you noticed them.<p>

"Do you think she's disappointed?"  
>Frank sighed. "Do you think you are doing the right thing, son?"<br>Jamie looked back at the stone. "I… I promised I would stay out of danger. Also to mom. I promised I… it's just – neither of them was endangering herself either. And still they're gone and I'm here. I just struggle to see a sense in that." He looked at his father from the corners of his eyes, shyly. "Do you know what I mean?"  
>"I do." Frank's eyes moved to the left where his son and his wife lay buried. "If you find an answer that makes perfectly sense please give me a call." He pouted as he felt tears building in his eyes. "As far as I have experienced it you never stop wondering if the things you did for the people you loved were enough." He wanted to say more but his voice wasn't going to carry any longer, and for some minutes the two widower stood in silence.<br>"Your mother" Frank began eventually "always knew you wanted to be a cop. As well as we all did. And when we came to visit you on your first term in Harvard, she asked one of your fellow students what he thought would become of you. I think we intimidated the young man, he said he thought you could do everything that you wanted." A small but genuine smile appeared on his face, and involuntarily Jamie smiled with him. "Who was that?"  
>"I don't know." The Commissioner sighed. "Your mother seemed even more worried by that answer. She kept asking the poor boy what your plans were, and whether you were happy. That was her biggest concern, Jamie – that you would not live the life you wanted because of her."<br>Jamie shivered. "And that's supposed to make me feel better?"  
>"It's supposed to make you think" Frank said firmly. "Life is short, Jamie. We never know how much time we have with the people we love. You have a wonderful family. A wonderful son. Both need you, both deserve you to be in their life. But how much of your time you will give them is your decision, and yours only. You can dedicate your life to someone but you can't give it to them. It won't make their life longer, and it won't make you happier. You have to live for yourself, son. You have to be the best version of what you think you can be. And if you think that as a lawyer you can't be that person, then you have to change it."<br>"I just wish I could explain it to her" Jamie murmured, "but it feels more like a lame excuse than a justification whenever I try." He bit his lips but then couldn't hold back his fear: "I've lost Beth, now I'm afraid I'm losing my faith."  
>Frank placed a hand on his youngest' shoulders. "Your brother Danny went through the exact same thing a couple of years ago, I heard."<br>"Danny?"  
>"Danny. But you don't know that from me." He winked but there was no smile anymore. Burying Beth and seeing Jamie struggle to get on alone hit closer to home than he had thought. Mary had gone almost peacefully, and they had had some time to say farewell, but it had been too short nevertheless. She was meant to play with her grandchildren, sing wrongly in the bathroom and fall asleep beside him – not lying here, broken to dust.<br>And he wasn't meant to be here looking at her grave, walking, eating, living alone. There were his children and grandchildren and his father who kept him here, and of course – his thirty-four thousand children in blue, and everyone in New York City that counted on him. Life had not gone completely bad when Mary had died. But even the most beautiful road trip gets painful when you have to go on it on your own, and the road he had chosen was by far not always beautiful. There were some days when his sincere belief in God, in meeting Mary one day again, was the only thing that kept him from following her at once.  
>"If you had lost your faith you would not try to explain anything. It is your faith in heaven where Beth is that makes you want her to understand. Now I don't know what heaven looks like. But I knew your mother, and I knew your wife. They loved you and they wanted you to be happy. And I know it is hard to be happy when you lost the person you wanted to spend your life with, Jamie. I know that. It is hard enough to pick yourself together each morning and live. But there are good things around you. There are things you should be happy about. And whatever helps you to be happy, do it."<br>When Frank looked up he saw Jamie having come closer, his eyes filled with a gentleness nobody else had, and that Jamie in the past year seemed to have lost as well.  
>"Thank you, dad."<br>"Anytime, son." Stronger even than grief and tiredness Frank felt relief. The scar from losing his beloved wife would always remain, but this was a wound nobody had seen coming nor had been able to avoid. Other wounds, though, could be healed. Medication could be found.  
>And for Jamie, being a police officer was it.<p>

"I see you at dinner." With a last glance to Mary and Joe Frank turned around, leaving Jamie to kneel down again.  
>"I know you want me to be happy. It's just not that easy without you. There's so much you should see." He looked up in the sky. "Maybe you do." He closed his eyes.<br>"Beth Reagan, I promised I would take care of our son. I will, always. I will do anything for him, you know that. I want him to be happy, and I want him to be proud of his parents. You are and will always be a part of me. One of the parts that make me a better man than I thought I could be. Thomas is another part. And being a cop is one as well. I'll hold to my promise. I'll have my schedule be planned according to raise our son as good as I can. He'll never be alone. He'll have… everything he needs. I'll make sure of that. I want him to be as happy as we were, Beth. I want him to be whoever he wants to be. And I…" Jamie swallowed. No matter how often he went over it in his mind, this sounded selfish.  
>But he had to keep on living, and he had to learn to love life again. How else could he teach his son to do the same?<p>

His cell buzzed with a text message from Renzulli – newly promoted captain of the twelfth and from the following day once again his boss.  
>A ray of sun fought its way through the clouds and exploded into sparks of light as it hit the display.<br>_08:00, bring some coffee._

"And I just want to be a cop. I've always wanted to be. It's who I am. I'm a father, and a cop, and a son and brother and uncle. And I love you, Beth. I will always love you."


End file.
